Insights on emotional management

Regarding emotional management, I have been exploring for three years and the core conclusion is that it is never about "eliminating emotions" or forcing yourself to be an "eternally stable adult". It is about finding an appropriate outlet for your emotions without harming yourself or affecting innocent others. There is no unified standard answer to this matter, and the optimal solution is the one that suits you.

Speaking of which, last month I almost exploded in the office: I worked on revising the project plan for three days in a row, and just as it was about to be finished, an operations colleague came over with a computer and said that Party A had proposed a new revision direction, and the first seven versions would basically have to be overturned. I didn't hold the marker tightly when I held it in my hand, and the pen holder broke with a "click" and ink splashed all over my cuff. Before the change, I would either slap the table and quarrel on the spot, or hold my breath and make the change. After the change, I would be so bored until three in the morning that I couldn't sleep. That day, I didn't say anything. I went to the fire stairwell with my phone in my pocket, squatted on the steps and ate half a popsicle. I watched a three-minute short video of a Corgi demolishing a house and being scolded by the owner. After the panic in my chest dissipated, I went back to find my colleagues to align their needs.

Interestingly, the popular emotion management methods on the market are actually divided into two factions, and they are not very good at dealing with each other: One is the cognitive behavioral therapy camp, the core of which is the ABC theory that everyone has heard, which believes that it is not the event itself that triggers emotions, but your perception of the event. For example, if I was sure that "my colleague came to mess with me on purpose" that day, I would definitely get more and more angry the more I thought about it, but if I knew that he had just been scolded by Party A on the phone for forty minutes, most of my anger would naturally disappear. The other camp is the mindfulness-based stress reduction camp that has become popular in recent years. It advocates not to judge emotions and not to scold yourself at the beginning, "Why am I so angry so easily? It's useless." Supporters on both sides have been arguing for a long time. The cognitive school believes that mindfulness is "allowing emotions to get ruined", while the mindfulness school believes that the cognitive school is "a method of spiritual victory that deceives oneself." In fact, there is no need to argue about right and wrong.

I use both methods myself, and it all depends on the current situation: if my emotions are overwhelming, for example, last time I was publicly blamed by a customer in the group, all I can think about is "Do you have any conscience? I changed ten versions of the plan and you said no, it won't work." At this time, I don't have the energy to talk about any cognitive issues. Just follow the method of mindfulness, take a cup to drink tea, touch the coolness of the ice water cup with your fingertips, count 10 breaths, and then come back to typing when your brain is no longer confused. If you force yourself at this time, "He didn't mean it, I have to calm down." On the contrary, you will stifle the fire even more, and you may drop the keyboard the next second. If I have time to review the situation afterwards, I will use the cognitive method to work backwards: Was I angry just now because I was angry with him for passing the blame, or was I angry with myself for not keeping a record of the communication in advance? If you think about the problem clearly, you won't fall into the same trap next time.

I had fallen into a misunderstanding before, thinking that "emotional stability" means not having negative emotions. When I saw it said online that "adults have to take time to break down," I thought it was true. Until the project was launched last month, I went home and hugged my cat and cried for almost half an hour. The cat jumped away because it was annoyed by me. After crying, I felt that the stone that had been blocked in my chest for several days was gone, and I felt refreshed when I went to work the next day. Later I figured out that as long as you don’t cry in all-staff meetings and don’t vent your anger on the delivery staff who didn’t offend you, no matter how you vent in private, it won’t be called “emotionally unstable”. If you hold it in, it will easily lead to knots and you won’t be guilty.

I recently discovered a very useful little method: expressing emotions appropriately can reduce conflicts more than holding them in. The colleague who asked me to revise the eighth version of the plan last time, I calmed down and said to him directly, "I have just been up for three days in a row, and my first reaction when I saw that there was another revision was really explosive. Can you tell me what the core demands of Party A are this time? Let's try to align and complete the revision in one go, so as to save both parties from being tired." He was also very embarrassed at the time, saying that he had also been chased and scolded by Party A all afternoon, so he turned around and brought me a glass of iced Americano. What might have been a quarrel was just passed away. If I had suppressed my words at the time and got emotional when I made the change, the situation might have become even more tense.

Speaking of which, I don't have any "perfect emotional management" now. Last week, the Internet at home was disconnected and I kicked the router twice. After kicking, my feet hurt for a long time, and I had to squat down to apologize to it. But it doesn’t matter. Emotional management is not an entrance exam. You don’t need to get 80 points to pass. You can achieve 60 points - not hurting others or yourself. For the remaining 40 points, you can chew popsicles if you want, curse if you want, cry while hugging a cat, whatever makes you feel comfortable.