Emotional management is a required course in life

Emotional management is a required course in life. The answer is never "be a person with high emotional intelligence to please others", but All your trump cards in life must be supported by stable emotions - from your performance in an exam to the result of a communication, to your career choice, the quality of your marriage, and your health in your later years. At least 70% of the node trends in your life are quietly influenced by your emotions. This is not the icing on the cake, but a basic survival skill for everyone to survive and thrive. There are no exceptions and no elective courses can replace it.

When I was working on a project at an Internet company in the early years, I saw two students from the same school who were enrolled in the same class. Their abilities were almost the same, and the school grade points were not even different from each other by 0.2. When we encountered an online bug, the whole team stayed up until three in the morning to find the reason. One of them banged the keyboard and argued with the test for half an hour, saying that the other party did not have eyesight during the acceptance. In the end, the director came forward and the project was postponed for three days. He got a C performance and left voluntarily after working for half a year. The other person's face turned red and his knuckles turned white as he clutched the pen holder. He held it in for 30 seconds without saying anything. Then he turned around and took the test to repeat the scene. Now he is the leader of the team with 10 people. At that time, I was also curious. Although we started at the same time, why did the gap widen so quickly? Later, after talking to a friend who was doing psychological counseling, I realized that the only difference was in my ability to manage emotions.

Speaking of which, I have been through many pitfalls before. I once followed online tutorials to force myself to be "emotionally stable" and held back everything I encountered without crying or laughing. As a result, I suffered from endocrine disorders and my aunt was confused for two months. Now that I think about it, it was really stupid. This is the misunderstanding that many people have about emotional management. They think that it is either "tolerance" or "pretending", but in fact it is not at all. The current mainstream emotion management methods actually take two completely different paths. No one is right or wrong, it depends on which one suits you.

One is the idea of ​​​​the cognitive behavioral school (CBT) that everyone has heard a lot. The core is "changing your mind" - the reason why you are angry is not because someone did something wrong, but because your understanding of the matter is deviated. For example, if a colleague doesn't reply to your messages and you feel that he is deliberately targeting you, then you may think from another angle that he is holding a meeting where all members are muted, and most of your anger will be gone. This method is suitable for people who have strong rational thinking and like to review transactions. It has quick results and can help them recover by changing their mind when something happens. My programmer friends like to use this trick. When they get emotional, they first list "facts-feelings-possible other reasons" in a memo, and they can calm down in three minutes.

The other is the idea of ​​the mindfulness school that has become popular in recent years. It advocates "non-judgment" - don't force yourself to change your thoughts. Feel the emotion honestly when it comes. Touch the tips of your hot ears when you are angry. Feel the soreness of your nose when you feel wronged. Don't scold yourself, "What's the point of crying about such a trivial matter?" Don't suppress your anger and pretend it's okay. Wait until the anger subsides before you speak or do anything. This method is more emotional and suitable for people who are delicate and prone to internal friction. After practicing for a long time, the whole person's state will be much relaxed. My friend who is an illustrator keeps a frosted agarwood bracelet in his bag all year round. When he gets into a mood, he will wear it for two minutes without saying anything. Once his fingers are warmed by rubbing them together, the intensity will pass.

Don’t think this is all “metaphysics.” A 12-year study published in the journal “Psychosomatic Medicine” in 2023 showed that people who are frequently angry, anxious, and depressed for a long time have a 46% higher risk of coronary heart disease and stroke than those with stable emotions. Zhaopin Recruitment’s workplace survey last year also showed that among practitioners with the same academic qualifications and the same job experience, those with high emotional stability scores have an average annual income that is 29% higher. These are real data, not chicken soup.

I met my downstairs neighbor in the elevator a while ago. They had just had a quarrel the day before. I heard the sound of cups being smashed on the 12th floor. The reason was that his wife forgot to buy him tickets for the football game. He smashed the glasses on the coffee table in front of his children. His wife took the children back to her parents' house on the spot, and he went to pick them up three times before he could get them back. He scratched his head and complained to me: "I couldn't control the anger at that time. Now think about the ticket worth tens of dollars, is it okay? ”You see, it may take dozens of times more time to make up for the stupid things you do in those tens of seconds when you are emotional, and even some words cannot be made up for after they are spoken.

Many people always use "I have a straight temper" and "I just can't control my temper" as excuses. To be honest, if you lose control of your emotions when you are in school, the most you can do is quarrel with your classmates, perform poorly in exams and get scolded. What if you are out of society? I banged the table when discussing cooperation with a customer, and what I lost was a real money order. ； If you quarrel with your partner and talk about old things, the marks left on your heart may not go away for several years. ； If you get angry all the time when you get older, you will be the one who ends up in the hospital, and the people around you will suffer too. You can't let others pay for your emotions your whole life, right?

Of course, this doesn’t mean you should be a good old man without a temper. There is no good or bad emotion at all - anxiety is a reminder that this matter may be risky, so you need to prepare in advance.； Anger tells you that your boundaries have been stepped on, and you need to show your bottom line ； Even sadness is a process to help you clear out emotional garbage. True emotional management is not to strangle all emotions to death, but to not let emotions become your home. You are the one who has the final say.

To put it bluntly, no one is forcing you to take this course. You can continue to do it according to your temper. At worst, you will fall down a few more times, apologize a few more times, and wipe your own ass for what your superiors say and do. But the sooner you learn it, the sooner you can take the initiative in life into your own hands instead of being dragged around by the ups and downs of your emotions.

After all, only those who can stabilize their emotions can live a stable life.