Lack of emotional management

The core essence of the lack of emotional management is neither the inherent flaw of "poor personality" or "bad temper", nor is it "not generous enough" or "lack of cultivation" at the moral level, but an individual's adaptation deviation in the three core aspects of emotional perception, regulation, and expression. It is a loophole in cognitive and behavioral habits that can be corrected through acquired intervention.

Last week, I helped a friend who was working as a content operator at an Internet company sort out conflicts in the workplace. He said that he made a mistake last month that is still embarrassing to this day: he changed the eighth version of the 618 activity plan. The department leader said lightly at the all-staff meeting that "it didn't touch the user's pain points." He dropped the mouse on the spot, and the entire conference room fell into silence. Afterwards, he regretted it so much that he bought Starbucks for the whole group for the next day to apologize. He even added a week's extra shift to make up for it, and privately apologized to the leader three times. While scolding himself, "Why can't I control this bad temper?", he also felt aggrieved: "I stayed up until three o'clock every day for half a month, and he negated all my efforts with just one sentence. I really couldn't help it. ”

Regarding the causes of lack of emotional management, there is actually no unified conclusion in the psychological field.

The classic psychoanalytic school is more likely to trace its origins to the childhood parenting model: if you fall down and cry when you are a child, your parents' first reaction is "Don't cry, if you cry again, I won't want you." If you fail in the exam and are sad, you will get not comfort but "Who told you not to work hard at ordinary times."

The behaviorist school of thought is more pragmatic: to put it bluntly, your previous behavior gave you wrong positive feedback. For example, when you were a child, you told your parents that you wanted a toy, but no one paid attention to you. Then you got your way after you started acting like a fool. ； After work, you ask your colleagues to make demands, but no one responds. After you get angry, the other party does the work for you at the speed of light. Over time, your subconscious mind will default to "releasing strong emotions is the fastest way to achieve your goals", and naturally you will not spend energy on learning how to express your emotions well.

I have been handling emotional companionship cases for three years, and the most common misunderstanding I have seen is that people always think that "emotion management means holding back and not getting angry."

A junior high school teacher came to me before and said that she had never been angry with her students. Her parents and colleagues praised her for her good character. However, a recent physical examination showed that she had grade three breast nodules. The first thing the doctor said was, "Don't hold everything in. You have to find an outlet for your emotions. They don't come out through your mouth, but through your body." You see, suppressing emotions is not called emotional management at all, it is called emotional suicide.

There is also a counter-intuitive observation: many times when you lose control of your emotions, it is essentially because your physiology has turned on the red light first, and it has nothing to do with your "personality". I had a visitor before who always said that he was born with a bad temper and would get angry at the smallest thing. I asked him to keep an emotional diary for two weeks and found out that the day before he got angry, he would always stay up until after two o'clock and drink at least three glasses of iced Americano that day. Lack of sleep and excessive caffeine would lower a person's emotional threshold to an extremely low level. Not to mention bad things, even if the takeout was delivered ten minutes late, he couldn't suppress his anger. This is not a personality problem, it's because his body can't bear it.

As for how to improve, the methods of different schools are quite different.

Psychoanalytically oriented counselors will take you to do a retrospective, find the first time you had a similar emotional reaction, and dig out the knots in your subconscious.； Behavioral counselors will teach you to do emotional anchor training, such as putting a small rubber band in your pocket in advance. When you notice that your emotions are coming up, bounce yourself, draw your attention away from the triggering event, and pause for 3 seconds before talking. ； The popular mindfulness school now is simpler. It requires you to do more body scans. When you are angry, first feel your temples to see if your temples are beating or your chest is tight. You should first sense the existence of emotions and then talk about regulating them.

After being exposed to it myself, I feel that there is no need to stick to any "correct method". When I am really forced to burst out, I will find an empty stairwell to yell for 30 seconds, go to the toilet and wash my face with cold water, or even click on the shopping cart to buy a gadget that I was reluctant to buy before. I will find out how to use it. Emotion management is not a test. There is no standard answer. Your comfort is the most important.

To be honest, everyone's requirements for "emotional stability" are too strict nowadays. It seems that getting angry or crying is a big mistake. When you lose control of your emotions, you will label yourself as "lack of emotional management".

It's not necessary. You are not a programmed robot. It is normal to be happy and sad, peaceful and angry. Occasionally, when your mood breaks down, don’t be too busy scolding yourself. Ask yourself first: Have you slept enough recently? Has it been too long since you had a good meal? Have you accumulated too many grievances and no place to express them?

Many times the so-called "lack of emotional management" is just your body sending you a signal: it's time to stop and take good care of yourself.