emotional regulation ability

You can have emotions, but don't let them make decisions for you.

Last week I met a girl who works in Internet operations in the consulting room. She revised 8 versions of the activity plan and sent it out at three in the morning. As soon as she got to work in the morning, she was called back by the client, saying that the direction was all wrong and that she had to overturn it. I turned around and saw that my colleague who was passing by didn't hold it properly and spilled the iced American she just bought on half the table, even soaking the keyboard. Half a year ago, she would have burst into tears in front of the entire office. That time she actually took out two tablecloths and gathered the water to the edge. She also smiled and said to her colleagues, "It's okay. I was worried that today's cup of sugar was too sweet." Then she turned and stood in the corridor for three minutes. When she came back, she got an external keyboard and continued to respond to the customer's new needs.

It's interesting to say that regarding emotional regulation, different schools of psychology actually have their own methodologies, and there is no absolute right or wrong. Psychoanalytic counselors will feel that all uncontrolled emotional outbursts are triggered by old traumas. You always get angry because of an unintentional comment from a colleague. It may not be because the other person said something too much. It may be that the memory of being unconditionally denied by your parents when you were a child has been awakened. The core of emotional regulation is to first see the small wound hidden behind the emotion. Seeing it in itself is the beginning of healing, and it is better to block it than to block it. Researchers in the cognitive-behavioral school are more pragmatic. They feel that there is no need to trace the antecedents so far back and can make adjustments now: It is also an objective event that the plan is withdrawn. If you hold the belief that "I am too weak to do anything well," the emotional result will be collapse and ruin. ； But if you change your belief to "the customer's needs and hidden points that I haven't touched yet", you can calm down most of your emotions immediately and focus on solving the problem. Somatic therapy, which has attracted more and more attention in the past two years, is more direct. You don’t need to use your brain to think about the reason. When you are emotional, your heart rate soars and your muscles are tense. You just do 478 breathing, or pinch your own lips for 10 seconds. Once the 12-second emotional peak is over, the urge to have an attack will naturally dissipate.

I have been doing emotional counseling myself for 6 years, but I rarely recommend a single method to clients. The tools adapted to different scenarios are completely different. For example, if you are having an all-hands meeting and are criticized by your boss in public, you can't stop and dig up your childhood trauma, right? That is definitely the fastest way to adjust with the body. Secretly clenching your fists under the table and then unclenching them. Repeat this twice. First, suppress the fire that rushes to your throat. Don't say anything you regret on the spot. When you get home from get off work and have nothing else to do, if you find that you are still aggrieved and panicked, and even shed tears when you think about it, then slowly review it to see if you are dissatisfied with the boss's criticism, or if his public attitude of making you stand down triggered a similar bad experience in the past. At this time, you can use psychoanalysis or cognitive behavioral methods to sort it out, which will give you faster results.

Oh, by the way, a rumor must be dispelled here. Many people think that strong emotional regulation means "not getting angry." I have encountered several clients who, in order to maintain the "high emotional intelligence" and "good temper" persona in the eyes of outsiders, swallowed all negative emotions. In the end, the physical examination report showed a bunch of thyroid and breast nodules, but the problems were more serious than those of people who lose their temper casually. Emotions are like a malfunction light in a car. When the red light comes on, it doesn't tell you to just smash the light and pretend you can't see it. It reminds you to stop and see what's wrong. Holding back is essentially covering the malfunction light. If the problem is not solved, sooner or later the car will break down. My best friend had a fight with her boyfriend before, and she always felt that "emotional stability" meant holding back and not having an attack. As a result, she accumulated resentment for half a month, and finally exploded because the boy forgot to take out the trash. We quarreled all night long over old accounts from three years ago. Now she has learned well. Whenever she feels her voice starts to get louder and her palms start to get sweaty, she just says, "I'm a little overwhelmed right now. Let's go downstairs and buy an ice cream to calm down for 20 minutes." Then we talk about the problem when she comes back. Instead, she never has that kind of meaningless argument again, and conflicts are always resolved smoothly.

In fact, in the final analysis, emotional regulation is the process of getting along with one's own feelings. There is no need to pursue a perfect "zero negative emotion" persona. Last time you were scolded by a client and you were depressed all afternoon. This time you were only depressed for an hour before you could get back to work. ； Last time you quarreled with your friend, it took half a month for you to make up with harsh words. This time, you took the initiative to make peace after two days. These small improvements can be regarded as improvements in your ability to regulate your emotions. After all, we are all ordinary people. Who has not yet been led by emotions? Just take your time.