Mental health and sound personality

The essence of mental health and sound personality is never a perfect state of "always positive" or "no negative emotions", but the individual's ability to maintain inner coordination and unity under different circumstances, the resilience to cope with setbacks, the confidence to accept imperfections, and ultimately the ability to get along comfortably with oneself, others, and the world.

Last year, when I was working as a psychological service provider in a high school, I met a "perfect student" in everyone's eyes: she was always in the top ten of her grade, she was a class monitor who could handle everything, and she had such a cheerful personality that she could even chat with the aunt in the cafeteria. Everyone thought she must be in a very good mental state. On the day when she lost 12 people in the mock exam, she hid in the consultation room and cried for two hours. She said, "I didn't dare to let others see me cry. They would think I was so fragile. I don't even have the right to be sad."

This is actually the biggest misunderstanding that most people have about mental health - it seems that "health" means being an iron man without loopholes, and even mood swings are considered malfunctions. But what’s interesting is that the definitions of this concept by different schools of psychology have never required “perfection”. Traditional psychoanalysis would define the core of a healthy personality as "the dynamic balance of the id, ego, and superego": You don't have to be suffocated by the superego that "must be excellent", nor are you led by instinctive desires. The "self" in the middle can be like a flexible mediator, helping you find a comfortable position in reality. Rogers, a humanist, doesn't see it that way. He thinks the core is "the unity of self-concept and experience." To put it bluntly, don't lie to yourself: you obviously want to find a stable job working 9 to 5, but you don't force yourself to take up an entrepreneurial track that is not suitable for you. You are obviously tired to the point of collapse, but you still have to pretend to be energetic. Self-perception and true feelings are twisted into twists. No matter how healthy the mentality is, problems will still arise. Positive psychology, which has become popular in recent years, is more practical. Seligman proposed that as long as you have 2-3 of the 6 core character strengths, such as courage, kindness, and temperance, you can support a healthy enough personality without pursuing everything.

Having been doing frontline counseling for 6 years, I have seen too many clients who were kidnapped by the "must have mental health". When Xiao Zhou, a 32-year-old Internet operator, was laid off, everyone around him was urging him to "adjust quickly and stop being emo". Only he stayed at home leisurely for three months: he got up for a run every morning, went fishing in the park in the afternoon, submitted two resumes when he thought of it, and stayed at home watching old movies if he didn't want to move. During that time, many of his friends thought he was "wasted", and even his parents were so anxious that they couldn't sleep. As a result, after he had enough rest, the offer he got in the fourth month was 35% higher than his previous salary. He later told me: "I know everyone was doing it for my own good, but I just didn't have the energy to rush forward at that time. I forced myself to get up for the interview but ended up getting a bad interview. It's better to rest enough first before talking." You see, this kind of confidence that can accept one's "downturn" calmly is much healthier than being "positive" by forcing yourself out.

There is a very controversial saying on the Internet: "You must completely stay away from all people with negative energy." The opinions of practitioners in different fields are quite different. Most bloggers who focus on personal growth will support this view and feel that the transmission of any negative emotions is internal friction and must be completely cut off to maintain one's own state. But those of us who do clinical consultation feel that this one-size-fits-all approach is a bit much. After all, everyone encounters difficulties. A friend has been complaining to you for two weeks after falling out of love. A colleague was scolded by the boss and complained to you. As long as it is not a continuous and manipulative emotional squeeze, it is a very normal emotional interaction. On the contrary, if you always talk about "rejecting negative energy" and live your life as an insulator without emotional fluctuations, you will easily lose the ability to establish deep connections with others, which is not good for personality development in the long run.

Actually, mental health is very much like our body’s immune system: it’s not that you will never catch a cold or have a fever, but that after you get caught in the rain and freeze, you know that drinking a cup of ginger tea and sleeping will make you feel better in a week, and a small cold will not turn into pneumonia. A sound personality is like an old house that you have lived in for a long time: it does not have to be a large flat floor with fine decoration, nor does it need to be kept spotless every day, but the load-bearing walls are strong, you will repair the windows if they leak, and you will replace the light bulbs if they break.

A few days ago I met a 72-year-old Aunt Zhang in a community park. She went to the countryside when she was young, was laid off in middle age, and her husband left early. She raised her daughter to a doctorate by herself. Now she goes around taking pictures of flowers with an old camera in her hand every day. Everyone she meets smiles. I chatted with her and asked her if she felt that the days in the past were particularly hard. She waved her hand and held up her camera to show me the magnolia flowers she had just taken: "It must have been hard, but you can't just stare at the hard days, right? Do you think these flowers look good? Take two more pictures and send them to my girl when you get home. She will be happy too."

Look, there is no need for any complicated definition. Being able to handle things, turn over stories, not twist things, not force things, and be able to accept the good and bad aspects of yourself, as well as the sweetness and bitterness of life, is a good enough state.