Five ways to manage emotions

Physiological anchoring method, writing stripping method, boundary cutting method, cognitive dissociation method, and meaning reconstruction method.

Physiological anchoring is the first emergency skill I will teach all those who are prone to emotions. The essence is the logic of "physiological influence on psychology" recognized by the embodied cognition school and behavioral therapy. Of course, many colleagues from the dynamic school think that this is "treating the symptoms but not the root cause" - but to be honest, in those 12 seconds when you are emotionally overwhelmed, you don't have time to think about anything. The most important thing is to put the fire down first. It is better than slamming the table with your boss on the spot or settling old accounts with your partner three years ago, right? There used to be a girl who worked in user operations. She squatted in the stairwell to catch her breath for a long time every time she was criticized by Party A. Later, I asked her to keep an ice mint candy in her pocket all year round. When she felt that her emotions were about to overwhelm her, she would take them out and bite them into pieces. The moment the coolness reached Tianling Gai, the emotional hijacking of the amygdala was directly interrupted, which is 10 times more effective than counting to 10. If you don't like sweets, you can pinch the tiger's mouth for 3 seconds, take a sip of ice cream, or even go to the bathroom and pat your face twice with cold water, the effect will be almost the same.

What I have seen is that the most likely cause of long-term internal friction is that many people cannot distinguish "which emotions are their own and which are forced on you by others." At this time, the boundary cutting method must be used. Last week, a fan came to me to complain, saying that a colleague blamed her work mistakes on her. She was angry for three days, couldn't eat, and spent the whole night in her dreams quarreling with her colleagues. I asked her: "Are you angry about 'being dumped and needing to deal with the consequences', or are you angry about 'why does he dare to bully me'?" ”The former is a problem you have to solve, while the latter is actually when you turn other people's mistakes and poor conduct into emotional baggage that tortures yourself. The core logic of this method comes from Adler's subject separation, but I have to be honest: I have also heard many counselors object to over-emphasis on boundaries, saying that it might become a defense mechanism for emotional isolation. Therefore, this method is more suitable for use in situations such as the workplace and socializing with strangers, where the sense of boundaries should be clear. Don’t be rigid when getting along with family and loved ones. Otherwise, things that can be solved by being coquettish have to be divided into "your projects and mine", which will hurt your feelings.

If your emotions have been building up for several days and your chest feels like a ball of wet cotton, making you unable to eat or sleep well, then I would most recommend you try the writing peeling method. The University of Texas at Austin conducted a related study where they spent 15 minutes a day for three consecutive days writing down content related to negative emotions. After one month of continuous tracking, the subjects' anxiety levels dropped by an average of 42%, and even the probability of catching a cold and fever was much lower. When I'm in a bad mood, I like to open a blank note and write whatever comes to my mind, including curse words, shady thoughts, and even things that won't make sense on the table, such as "I'm just unhappy that he got a bigger salary increase than me." I write it in and delete it immediately without showing it to anyone. Don’t listen to some people’s nonsense about “writing emotions with positive reflections”. That’s just standing up and talking without back pain. If your emotions are so blocked, take out the garbage first. Reflection will come later. Of course, counselors from the cognitive behavioral school will recommend that you sort out your irrational beliefs after writing, and I agree. But for ordinary people, if you can pour out your emotions first, you have won. Don't place so many demands on yourself.

A common mistake that many people make is to equate their emotions with themselves: after getting angry, they feel that they are emotionally unstable. After two days of emo, they feel that they are depressed. Instead, they turn small emotions into big burdens. This is when the cognitive dissociation method comes in handy. This method comes from ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), and its core is to separate "you" from "your emotions": when you are angry, silently say "Oh, my brain is producing an emotion called anger", just like when you see it raining outside, you know it is raining, but you don't have to run into the rain to get wet, and you won't feel like "I am the rain." I once had a back-end programmer client who wanted to throw the keyboard every time the product requirements were changed for the third time. Later, he nicknamed his anger the "Little Fried Monster." Of course, some people think this method is too "cold-blooded" and seems to be suppressing their own feelings. In fact, it is completely different: dissociation is watching emotions happen, and suppression is pushing emotions into the stomach. The former is to unblock, and the latter is to block, which is far from the same.

The first four methods are mostly used for emergencies or for clearing things up. If you can't figure something out and get panicked every time you think about it, you may have to try meaning reconstruction. I had a visitor before who was optimized by the company when she was 30 years old. She cried at home for a whole week and felt that she would accomplish nothing in middle age. Later, she accidentally took an illustration business and discovered that her hobby when she was in school could actually make more money than working. Now she has opened her own small studio. Of course, many people will say that this is Ah Q's spirit and self-PUA - indeed, if you force yourself to "turn bad things into good things" when you are most emotional, it is definitely PUA. However, the premise of reconstruction is that you have almost relieved your emotions, and then look back to see if there are other possibilities for this matter. It does not mean that you force yourself to "think more openly". I often tell my clients that reconstructing meaning is not about making excuses for those who hurt you, but about relaxing yourself.

To be honest, I would never advise clients to master all five methods, and there is no fixed order for using them. When your mood rises one day, use physiological anchoring when you touch the mints. If you have a mobile phone at hand, just write two sentences. Use whichever one is convenient. Emotional management is never about turning you into a saint without a temper. It is about preventing you from being led away by the overwhelming energy and doing something you regret the next time you encounter something. After all, emotions themselves are never the problem, it is the choices made controlled by emotions.