Essay on the relationship between parenting and child health

Zhang Mo, an attending physician in pediatrics and 8 years of experience in guiding children and families]

As a practitioner who has been on the frontline of outpatient clinics and parent consultation for a long time, I can directly give the core conclusion: parenting behavior is the core influencing factor that determines the three-dimensional health level of children aged 0-12 years old: physical health, mental health, and social adaptability. The explanation rate reaches more than 60%, far exceeding innate or external conditions such as genetics and basic medical resources.； And the relationship between the two is not a one-way "nurturing input-health output" relationship, but a dynamic and mutually shaping coupling system - the child's health status will in turn adjust the parents' parenting choices, and there is no universal "optimal parenting formula".

Last month, I encountered a particularly typical example in my outpatient clinic: a pair of 3-year-old identical twins, with exactly the same genes, living in the same home, eating the same food, but their health status is vastly different. The eldest child is the main caregiver of the grandma. He always chases after him to feed him. He always wears two more clothes than other children when going out. If he takes two steps in the neighborhood, his grandma will yell, "Slow down and don't fall." My parents take care of my second child after get off work. He eats on his own in the dining chair. He always asks the child if he is cold when getting dressed. He goes on suburban walks twice a week. His weight is above the median and he catches less than two colds a year. He even offers his own snacks when he sees medical staff.

When many parents hear the conclusion at the beginning for the first time, their first reaction is "My children are sick because they are born with poor physical constitution. It has nothing to do with how I raise them." This is actually a disagreement that has been quarreling in the parenting circle for many years: the logic of the traditional empirical school is that "eating more, wearing more, moving less, and being less injured is good for the child." This view has been passed down for thousands of years. In the era of scarcity of materials and poor medical conditions, it can indeed significantly reduce infant and child mortality. It is not completely useless now - for example, children who have just added complementary foods and children whose immunity is temporarily low during illness do need more meticulous care. But if the care methods at special stages are regarded as the standard for the entire growth period, problems arise: overfeeding will increase the burden on the gastrointestinal tract, overheating will prevent the ability to regulate body temperature, and excessive restriction of activities will lag the development of muscles, bones, and immunity. The "Survey on Factors Affecting Respiratory Infection in Children in China" released by the Chinese Center for Disease Control and Prevention in 2023 clearly mentioned that 62% of children with recurrent respiratory tract infections have parenting behaviors such as "over-dressing, arranging meals, and an average daily outdoor activity of less than 1 hour."

What’s interesting is that I sorted out nearly 200 consultation cases last year and found that at least 30% of what parents thought were “physical health problems” were actually psychological in origin, and were also influenced by parenting choices. There was a 5-year-old boy who suffered from recurring abdominal pain for 3 months. He had a gastroscopy, B-ultrasound, and allergen check-up, but found no problems. Later, after talking with his parents for half an hour, he found out the root cause: his parents had enrolled him in 7 interest classes, and he had to study for 3 hours after school every day. He would be criticized if he could not complete the task. The child had stomachaches as soon as class time came, and nothing happened when he was playing crazy at home during the holidays. This is a typical symptom of emotional somatization.

Speaking of which, we cannot avoid the sectarian controversy that has been quarreling in the parenting circle for more than ten years: the behaviorist school advocates establishing strict rules and delaying gratification from an early age to cultivate children's self-discipline.； The humanistic school advocates that giving priority to responding to children's emotional needs and providing a sufficient sense of security is the basis for healthy growth. Both groups have their own theoretical support, and no one can convince the other, but the cases I have seen on the front line are not that extreme: families that strictly enforce work and rest rules have raised children who are self-disciplined and cheerful, while families that are completely in tune with their emotions have raised children who are willful and fragile. The core is not which party you are on at all, but whether the parenting method you choose can adapt to the characteristics of your child - a child who is naturally sensitive will easily develop psychological problems if you give him too strict rules. ； As a naturally undisciplined child, you are prone to problems if you have no boundaries at all. The "China Children's Mental Health Development Report" released by Beijing Normal University in 2022 shows that 47% of children's somatization symptoms, anxiety and depression tendencies are directly related to the stress level of family upbringing that exceeds the child's tolerance threshold.

When I usually give guidance to parents, I never give out a thick parenting guide at the beginning. I always ask them to keep a "daily diary" for three days. It doesn't need to be too complicated, just record three things: what you did to the child that day (feeding, criticizing, taking him to play, etc.), the child's state that day (how much he ate, how long he slept, whether he was upset, whether he felt uncomfortable), and the state of the child the next day. Remember to turn it over after 3 days, and most people will be able to find the problem by themselves: for example, every time you rush to finish feeding the child, the child will have a fever the next day. ； Every time you scold him, he will complain that his stomach hurts or he won't talk in the next two days. To be honest, the relationship between parenting and children's health is really like using your mobile phone: if you charge it, drop it, and install a bunch of useless software every day, it will definitely freeze quickly and break down early. ； If you use it normally, clear the memory regularly, and handle it carefully, it will last for a long time. There is no fixed usage method, as long as your usage habits adapt to the performance of this machine.

Nowadays, everyone is arguing about whether to raise free-range or chicken babies. Many people say that chicken babies will force children to have psychological problems. Some people say that the competition in society is so fierce now that without chicken babies, children will not be able to keep up, but will have low self-esteem and unhealthy health. I have encountered two completely opposite examples before: a father is a programmer, and Jiwaji is programming robots that the child likes. He accompanies the child to do experiments for 2 hours every day after school, and even takes him to participate in outdoor robot competitions on weekends. The child is now 10 years old, not short-sighted, has a well-proportioned figure, has won several awards, and has a very cheerful personality. ； Another mother said that she wanted to give her children a happy childhood and be completely free-range. The child stayed at home until midnight every day to watch short videos and had to be brought to bed by his grandparents for meals. He is now 7 years old, overweight by 30 kilograms and has 300 degrees of myopia. He would get into trouble with his classmates at school if he disagreed with her. Which one do you think is right? There is no standard answer at all. The core thing is whether the choice you make really takes into account the physical and psychological needs of your child, rather than your own anxiety projection.

I have been working in this business for almost ten years, and the most annoying sentence I hear is "I am doing it for the good of my children." Many times what you think is "good" actually quietly harms your child's health. You don’t need to worry about parenting standards online, and you don’t have to follow other people’s parenting methods. If your child eats well, sleeps well, and is willing to talk to you, even if he gets a minor illness occasionally, even if his grades are not the best, then he is healthy, which is better than anything else.