What are the three stages of emotion management development?

At present, in the field of applied psychology practice and personal growth, the development path of individual emotional management ability is generally divided into three stages: unconscious suppression, passive regulation, and active integration. This division is based on neuroscience research on the emotional brain and a large number of front-line case consultation experiences, and has been recognized by most practitioners.

The earliest stage of unconscious repression, to put it bluntly, means that you cannot "manage" your emotions at all. You either let your emotions explode and hurt others, or you hold them back and cause internal injuries. A while ago, I received a consultation from a programmer who had just been working for half a year. This is a typical example. When he made a bug in a project, he was scolded by the leader in public. He didn't dare to refute or talk to his friends. I kept silent for two weeks and made more and more mistakes as I wrote the code. I didn't realize something was wrong until my hands were shaking so much that I couldn't hold the mouse. Of course, there are a small number of academic researchers who believe that this stage is not considered a part of "emotion management development" at all, and can only be regarded as an embryonic state. However, frontline consultants know that at least 70% of ordinary people are still stuck in this stage for a long time after they reach adulthood. It is a more pragmatic choice to include it in the classification dimension.

After suffering enough emotional losses, either suppressing physical reactions such as insomnia or stomachache, or feeling extremely regretful after losing their temper, most people will take the initiative to find a way, and naturally enter the second stage of passive regulation. People at this stage can already recognize their own emotions, and will actively use learned methods to adjust, such as counting 10 seconds before speaking when they are angry, and going out for two laps to secrete some endorphins when they are sad. A sales manager I worked with before is a typical example of this stage. He used to scold his subordinates whenever he saw his subordinates drop orders. Now he specially puts a "Slow down for 3 seconds" sticker on the corner of his desk. Every time he wants to get angry, he touches the sticker first. It has indeed reduced a lot of interpersonal conflicts than before. However, academic circles have different opinions on the adjustment methods at this stage. Some researchers in the mindfulness school believe that this "adjust before you come" method is essentially a confrontation with emotions, and long-term use will consume more psychological energy. However, it has to be said that for people who have just come out of the repression stage, this is already a real improvement.

If you compare emotions to a little beast you raise, in the first two stages you either lock it in a cage and don't care about it, or you hold it down when it attacks people. By the third stage of active integration, you have figured out its temper and can even command it to do your work for you. People at this stage don’t have to wait for their emotions to come up before dealing with them. They can usually sense their own mood swings and adjust their decisions according to emotional reminders. This is the case with a founder of children’s education I know. In the past, she and her partners would easily get into trouble when they disagreed on their ideas. Now she can clearly feel that she “doesn’t agree.” As soon as the emotion of "patience" emerged, she knew that her bottom line for this project had been touched. She would either directly set the boundaries, or stop the negotiation in time, and even occasionally deliberately show a "dissatisfied" attitude to help the team fight for more rights. There was almost no internal friction, and emotions became her most sensitive decision-making tool. Of course, this division is not absolute. Many people may have reached the integration stage at work, and then return to the depression stage when facing their families. It is dynamic in nature. There is no need to label yourself by stage, and you can slowly explore the method that suits you.