Experience on emotional regulation and coping with stress

There is no "universal emotion regulation formula" that applies to everyone. The essence of all effective coping strategies is to "catch the emotion first, then solve the problem", and there is no need to regard negative emotions as an "enemy" that needs to be completely eliminated. This is the core truth that I have stepped on for more than three years, tried more than a dozen mainstream methods, and read half a clinical psychology textbook.

Damn, speaking of it, I even made a joke at the beginning. Last year, when I was working on a quarterly project, I did 996 for three consecutive weeks. One night, I changed the eighth version of the plan, but it was rejected. I felt like blood was rushing to my head while sitting at my desk, and I even wanted to smash the keyboard. I had read a lot of bloggers saying that mindfulness meditation is a stress-relieving tool. I quickly searched for a 10-minute guided audio and followed it. As a result, with my eyes closed, my mind was filled with "The plan has to be handed in tomorrow" and "Why is this customer so difficult to deal with?". The more I sat, the more irritated I became, and I almost threw away the headphones. Later, I felt so depressed that I sneaked to the convenience store downstairs of the company and bought a saltwater popsicle. I squatted on the side of the road and ate it for ten minutes. The night breeze blew away my sweat, and the sweet smell of ice suppressed the anger in my chest. When I went back to change my plan, it became much smoother. I didn’t know much about theory at that time. Later, through research on embodied cognition, I realized that when acute stress comes up, the prefrontal lobe of the brain can no longer work normally. If you ask it to do such brain-consuming things as "adjusting cognition", it is simply forcing people to do something difficult. Instead, adjusting the physical state first is the fastest way to break the situation.

The current mainstream emotion regulation schools actually have different emphases and are applicable to completely different scenarios. No one is better than the other. For example, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) advocates modifying irrational beliefs. To put it bluntly, it is to break the extreme thoughts in your mind of "If this thing is messed up, I will be useless" into "If this thing is messed up, I only need to bear my part of the responsibility, and the sky will not fall." This method is particularly useful for long-term, chronic stress, such as if you continue to be PUA in the workplace or have long-term anxiety about exam preparation. Slowly adjusting your cognition can indeed fundamentally reduce internal friction. But there are also objections. Many researchers from the psychodynamic school believe that it is useless to only adjust superficial beliefs. You have to dig into the root of your emotions. For example, if you break down every time you are criticized by your leader, the essence is that the old wound of being denied by your parents for no reason when you were a child has been touched. If the root is found, your emotions will naturally smooth out. This is more suitable for long-term personal growth. But if you have to answer the question tomorrow and you are shaking with nervousness today, talking to you about childhood trauma is just a delay.

I had a friend who worked in HR before and this happened to me. Last year, an intern hid in the bathroom and cried before she was accepted as a full-time student for her defense, saying that she would definitely not pass. My friend told her for half an hour that "you are well prepared" and "the judges are all gentle", but it was useless. Finally, he bought her a glass of iced Americano and stood with her in the corridor for 5 minutes without saying anything. When the intern went in, she overperformed. You see, when you are in a hurry, nothing is as effective as a glass of iced Americano.

Oh, by the way, there is a lot of debate online now about "whether emotional stability is a compulsory course for adults." In fact, both sides have truths. Supporters believe that emotional stability can avoid impulsive decision-making, especially in formal situations such as the workplace and negotiations. Losing your temper will only mess things up. ； However, many clinical studies have shown that people who suppress negative emotions for a long time are more than 30% more likely to develop breast nodules and thyroid nodules than people who vent moderately. I personally think that in this scoring scenario, of course you have to keep your temper when interacting with clients, but when you are with friends and family, you can say what you need to say when you are wronged, and complain when you are unhappy. There is no need to insist on "emotional stability". It is you who suffers when you suppress your illness.

I had also tried the popular "standard emotion diary" before, which required me to clearly write down the triggering event, my thoughts, my behavior, and improvement plans every time I got angry. I gave up after writing it twice - it was already annoying, and having to sit there and write a few hundred words of essay made it even more annoying. Later, I revised the version myself and wrote three key words, such as "blame-shifting, grievance, and wanting to curse". I deleted it directly after writing, which made me feel more comfortable. I still have an "emotional first aid kit" in the memo on my mobile phone. When acute stress arises, I go through it in this order: first I hold a mint candy that I always have in my pocket, and then I watch a 30-second silly video of my cat stepping on her breasts. If it still doesn't work, I send a 60-second voice comment to my best friend. Basically, I calm down in 10 minutes, and I rarely bring my emotions to work. In the long run, I will take one afternoon every week to go to the park near my home. Without my mobile phone, I will just watch the old man and old lady playing chess, with the children chasing after me, without thinking about anything. It is equivalent to clearing the emotional cache on a regular basis.

It’s quite interesting to say that when I first learned about emotional regulation, I did so with the purpose of “never having negative emotions again.” The more I learned, the more I realized it was unnecessary. Stress is like a program in the background of a mobile phone. You can’t use all of them every day. If you open too many programs, it will cause lag. Just close a few that take up a lot of memory. You can’t turn off your phone just to avoid lags, right? Anyway, my current rule is to do whatever makes you feel comfortable. As long as you don’t hurt others and don’t delay business, you can cry when you want and eat something sweet if you want. There’s no need to compete with yourself. After all, we regulate our emotions to make ourselves live a happier life, right?