psychological counseling

The core essence of psychological counseling is to "pay for a safe, non-judgmental professional companionship". It is neither a panacea for all diseases nor an emotional massage with chicken soup. It has a clinically proven improvement effect on 80% of common psychological distress (including emotional internal conflict, intimate relationship conflict, post-traumatic stress reaction, professional identity confusion, etc.). However, the actual effect will be affected by the three core variables of the counselor's genre matching, the client's openness, and the intensity of real-life stressors. There is no 100% effective standardized plan.

Xiao Zhou, who just finished his 12th consultation last week, hesitated for three minutes when he stood at the door of the consultation room and knocked on the door for the first time. He sat down for a long time and said, "I feel sick. I have to rehearse ten times in my mind to say hello to my colleagues." She initially thought that I would just give her a "list of social skills" and ask her to go back and practice them. However, we didn't use any method in the first three consultations. She just sat there and listened to her talk. When she was in the third grade of elementary school, she wanted to raise her hand to speak in class but the teacher said, "You have more to do." Later, she was locked out by her parents and made to stand for two hours. She cried until she used up all three packs of tissue paper on the table, and finally sniffed and said, "I have never told anyone about this. I thought I had forgotten it." During the fifth consultation, she opened the door and her eyes lit up. She said that she met a department colleague in the elevator at noon yesterday and asked casually, "Is the maocai you had for lunch delicious?" After saying this, she realized that she hadn't drafted it in advance.

The first thing a lot of people ask me when they come to me is, "What genre are you from?" Do I need to find a psychoanalyst to be useful? ”In fact, there is no standard answer. If you have recently encountered a sudden change, such as the death of a relative, being laid off, or having just ended a long relationship, and you are so emotionally depressed that you cannot eat or sleep normally, then short-term cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is more practical. The counselor will directly give you gadgets to adjust your cognition, such as emotion record sheets and thought blocking methods, which you can use when you get back. Just like if you have a fever, take antipyretics to lower your body temperature first, and solve the immediate urgent needs first.

But if you always feel like "I haven't had anything happy since I was a child, and my life is obviously going well, but I just can't feel motivated." Then maybe a psychodynamic counselor is more suitable for you. They won't rush to give you a solution, but will accompany you to dig deeper slowly and see how many unseen small wounds are hidden in your subconscious. This is like treating chronic stomach problems. If you don't rush it, you may have to do it dozens of times to get to the crux, but the effect will be more lasting. I had a consultant who was a humanistic consultant. The first two times he complained to me, "The money was spent too much. I sat there talking for two hours, and he would just nod and say, 'Yeah,' I understand,' and wouldn't give any advice." But the fourth time we talked, he suddenly sighed and said, "I have lived for more than thirty years. This is the first time someone has listened to me talk for so long without even saying 'you should'. The last time I told my dad that I didn't want to take the civil service exam, he scolded me for being ignorant."

Of course, I have also heard a lot of complaints, saying that "psychological counseling is just money fraud. I went there twice and it was of no use." This situation is really too common. I also had a client the year before last. After two conversations, both sides felt awkward. He wanted a direct solution, while I was more dynamic-oriented and always wanted to dig out the root cause first. Both of us were uncomfortable. In the end, I directly referred him to a colleague who did CBT. Later, he told me that his long-term insomnia problem was almost relieved after three consultations. It’s really not anyone’s problem. Just like when you go to buy shoes, the shoes themselves are qualified, but the size is wrong and your feet are scratched after wearing them. You can’t just say that the shoes are garbage, right?

Others said, "I can adjust myself by reading psychology books, so why would I spend hundreds of dollars an hour talking to you?" ”I have seen many visitors turn the pages of "The Courage to Be Disliked" until they are curled up. They know the principles better than I do, but they still dare not ask their boss for a raise. Why? Because you understand the truth, but when you say, "I'm just afraid of being rejected, I'm afraid that others will think I'm too busy," having someone take care of your petty concerns that can't be brought to the table is completely different from fighting with yourself in your mind. The book will only tell you to "separate subjects", but it won't hold a tissue box and wait for you to finish crying, and tell you that "it's normal to be afraid of rejection."

After seven years in this industry, the most common question I am asked by relatives and friends is, “If you listen to other people’s bad things every day, will you get sick yourself? ”Haha, really not. We have fixed individual supervisors and our own experiencers. To put it bluntly, we ourselves have to be regular visitors, otherwise we will get stuck if we have too many emotions. And it's really not "taking out the trash". Many times I watch visitors come in with their heads down, picking their nails, and speaking in a voice as low as a mosquito. Later, they sit there and tell me with joy that they went hiking with friends this week, or they finally said what they wanted to say after having a fight with their parents. Nothing can exchange for that sense of accomplishment.

Oh, by the way, there is another biggest misunderstanding: many people think that only "psychologically ill" people need psychological counseling. Among the visitors I have received, there are Internet executives with annual salaries of several million, but they are a little confused about the recent company structure adjustment and want to find a place where no one is around to think about their ideas. ； There is a top student in a key middle school, but he is a little nervous before the exam and cannot sleep well. ； There is also an aunt who has just retired. She suddenly has no idea what to do and feels empty. Really, just like you need to clear the cache of your mobile phone after using it for a long time, or need maintenance after driving thousands of kilometers on your car, people have too many things on their minds, so it is normal to find a safe place to dump them.

Last week there was a young man who came here for the first time. The first thing he said when he sat down was, "My friend said that I was pretentious when I came for consultation. Does it matter how big of a deal it is?" ”I poured him a glass of warm lemonade and told him, "If you can knock on this door and be willing to take the time to sit down and talk to yourself, you are already much braver than many people who are struggling."

In fact, psychological counseling has never been a high-end foreign gadget, nor is it a scourge. When you can't walk anymore, a professional person will squat down and take a break with you. When you recover, it is up to you to decide where you want to go.